Forumet - Hjälp mig med roliga skämt

Hjälp mig med roliga skämt

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Dont worry be happy. "Vad dricker du? "Socker.. socker och vatten, som apelsin juicen" "Musen, spindeln är borta" "bara fjärilar" (blommor vid brevlådan) sen var det något vanligt skämt om ett pålägg men minns inte vilket ord det var.

Min kompis köpte en smörkniv idag men den har man och torkar rumpan med. Förr i tiden så det var inget skämt. Hette rumpnånting. 

Spana också in:

Vänsterpartiet, Liberalerna, Centerpartiet, Annie Lööf, Stefan Löfven.

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
"My what?"
Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
"Wtf is a poop knife?"
Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.

Maymay: Vänsterpartiet, Liberalerna, Centerpartiet, Annie Lööf, Stefan Löfven.

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
"My what?"
Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
"Wtf is a poop knife?"
Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.
Så vi kör med kopieringspastor nu?

Just me and my daddy, hanging out I got pretty hungry so I started to pout  He asked if I was down ⬇for something yummy  and I asked what and he said he'd give me his cummies! Yeah! Yeah! I drink them! I slurp them! I swallow them whole It makes daddy happy so it's my only goal... Harder daddy! Harder daddy!  1 cummy, 2 cummy, 3 cummy, 4 I'm daddy's princess but I'm also a whore! He makes me feel squishy!He makes me feel good! He makes me feel everything a little should!~ Wa-What!

det verkar som att ungdomar.se inte tillåter emoji, så jag behövde ta bort dem

123fendas:
Så vi kör med kopieringspastor nu?

Just me and my daddy, hanging out I got pretty hungry so I started to pout  He asked if I was down ⬇for something yummy  and I asked what and he said he'd give me his cummies! Yeah! Yeah! I drink them! I slurp them! I swallow them whole It makes daddy happy so it's my only goal... Harder daddy! Harder daddy!  1 cummy, 2 cummy, 3 cummy, 4 I'm daddy's princess but I'm also a whore! He makes me feel squishy!He makes me feel good! He makes me feel everything a little should!~ Wa-What!

det verkar som att ungdomar.se inte tillåter emoji, så jag behövde ta bort dem
Please no more
En vanlig situation: 

"jag blev kär i nån idag, pappa!" "..."
"Är du inte nyfiken och höra vad jag och min kompis gjort?" "Henne hör jag så mycket om så jag vet det mesta" *fortsätter kolla på talang* 
"..." 

"vill du inte följa med mig på en båt jag hittat!!?" "Båt, du gillar en annan båt men inte min!?" "Det är bara för det är snygga killar där"...

"jag stänger cafét för gott. Så jag har tid och kan fika ännu mer" 

Maymay:
Please no more
Daddy’s cummies, nice and yummy Thick and gooey, feel like honey That sweet milk, oh-so-tasty Daddy, Daddy, please be hasty! My tongue swirls round and round While Daddy gives my ass a great big pound Over in the corner, wrapped in chains Mommy huddled over, screaming in pain  “Shut up, bitch!  Stay on the floor!” Mommy  sobbing  louder, I  call  her a whore  She reaches behind her  for her gun While Daddy gropes  and tickles  my sweet  buns  Puts the barrel  between  her teeth  And Daddy’s  semen  begins to seep  Gunpowder, blood,  brains  and gore  Mommy’s  lifeless  corpse slumps to the floor  Cummies,  cummies  filling my throat My pussy  is completely  soaked But Daddy’s cock  just gets bigger  Over near  the drawers, he grabs the scissors  Cuts  a hole  in Mommy’s  stomach In her hand, a gin and tonic  He begins  to unravel her strings of intestines  “Look  closely, you’ll learn  a lesson” Ties a noose,  rigs it tight  “Sweetie,  sweetie,  no need to fight”  Puts her  guts around  my neck “Looks like everything’s good  and set”  Lets me fall down  about  a yard Face  turning blue, choking hard  All the while,  Daddy’s  stroking his cock  And for a moment,  our eyes  lock  Tears  of joy  stream down my face I’m going to  a better  place~