Forumet - The company of myself

The company of myself

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I am somewhat impatient, but i know the story will be told soon.

If u have a minute, I'd like to tell you a bit of myself.

The first thing you need to understand is that I'm alone. I've been alone for a pretty long time now. I'm used to it. I'm content.

Before I became more or less a hermit, I found that I had two passions in life. One was performing. Even today, when I find I can't relate to others, I can still stand in front of them and make them laugh or surprise them. The irony is strong enough to taste.

It doesn't taste good.

In case you're wondering, my second passion was a girl named Kathryn. But I'll get to that later.

I generally face the same day-to-day problems as every other person, except that when every other person gets stuck, they have their friends and associates to back them up. I don't.

I know that you don't want to hear me describe my admittedly less than fascinating lifestyle, so instead, I'll describe my day with a much more interesting allegory.

I used to find joy in the company of others. Now, I only have the company of myself.

This is my story.

My attention is stolen by a green square on the other side of the room. I want to be its friend more than anything that I've ever wanted. I decide to approach it.
The square does not react to my approach. Does it not notice me? Or is it only pretending to not notice me?
Which would be worse?
Up close, I can see that the green square is actually a door. I think that we can be friends. I decide to move to the next room.

Spotting a couple of obstacles ahead, i decide to jump over them. Take that! Platforms. I decide that Mr Door is a better friend than the platforms, I also discover i can freeze the room.

Now that risk is involved, jumping on platforms doesn't seem as easy to me. I start thinking about how awful it would be to fall. Luckily I know that i can redo my actions at any time. I found myself proud of (and probably surprised by) my ability to leap over harrowing gaps.

Even from back here, I can tell that the ledge ahead is too high for me to jump. I begin to wonder what would happen if i reset myself before i reach my friend Mr Door. I feel confused, and a bit tingly. but mostly just confused.

I briefly attempt think of something to think. But nothing worthwhile emerges.

I haven't talked to anyone lately, but at least i can solve my own problems. Geronimo!

I see a wall blocking the path to the exit. I am dissatisfied. This area below is irritatingly spacious. I think to myself that the best course of actions is to pull a lever to open the path. I am grateful to my above-average ability to work alone.

I notice a pink forcefield in this room. I become gradually more and more curious. I find myself unable to comprehend the purpose of this forcefield, it doesn't seem to block me at all.

Understanding the forcefield, i notice that this room's forcefield is greenish instead of pinkish.

Staring at this worthlessly large staircase, I reflect on my past struggles. Luckily for me, no one was watching as I hopped around like a crazy person.

I search for reasons for why I don't desire companionship.
I settle of avoidance of the issue. I can clearly get by without others, anyways. I find myself unable to leave the question alone, why can I not be with other people?

I instantly notice how similar this room look to the previous one, and almost feel cheated until i realize that my previous tactic wont work again. I've got used to solve my mental problems, but i still enjoy a test of my physical abilities now and then.

I think back to the first day that Kathryn and i met. Our paths converged, and suddenly we where a team. This was before I was as reclusive as I have become today, so had not learned to truly multitask yet. That talent grew of simple necessity. her approach was quiet, as was my response. The connection was instant unmistakable
. A team.

Mutual. perfect. I wasn't ready to let it go.

When we faced a problem, we would solve it together. Today i find myself solving the same problems alone. I didn't understand how much i needed her. How much she needed me.

It was perfect, everything perfect. I helped her. She helped me. Mutual.

I never expected the end to come so quickly. i found myself crushed by guilt. Didn't leave the house for days.
But she was gone.

And now i find myself alone, i cant handle talking to people any more.

I grudgingly consider the ability to start over from another perspective would have been helpful earlier in life. Maybe i could not let Kathryn not meet me in the first place.

And like this, I continue.

What, don't leave yet.
I have more to say, I really do.
Are you really leaving?

I have been tasked to psychoanalyze Jack after his mental breakdown. He tells his story always very accurate, it follows with the record.

But he doesn't ever seem to remember our previous conversations, as he always asks the same questions and don't remember my name.

He always briefly talks about his life, and eventually get into the story of how hi lost his loved one, Kathryn.

He understands that she died, and he certainly feels at least somewhat responsible, but he doesn't recall that he murdered her. She was found in their backyard in a green package-Evidently, it was the only box large enough for use as a coffin that Jack could find. Also of note were the two flowers that he planted next to the makeshift grave.

He considers her death to be the reason that he can't talk to people anymore. I suppose that in a way, he is correct.

This will be my final report on Jack. I don't find any reason to believe that he will recover from his current state of severe mental illness, and he is far too dangerous to himself and others to allow his release.

The shrink leaves, and suddenly i don't even have a person to tell my story to anymore.